How To Manage Stress and Anger

Anger management and stress management work in similar ways. This is partly because anger and stress have a similar makeup, in that they both have a psychological component. They can both affect us in very negative ways and that is why it is important to understand their relationship. Anger is a basic human emotion that is experienced by all people. Typically triggered by an emotional hurt, anger is usually experienced as an unpleasant feeling that occurs when we think we have been injured, mistreated, opposed in our long-held views, or when we are faced with obstacles that keep us from attaining personal goals. Anger can be constructive or destructive. When well managed, anger or annoyance has very few detrimental health or interpersonal consequences. At its roots, anger is a signal to you that something in your environment isn’t right. It captures your attention and motivates you to take action to correct that wrong thing. How you end up handling the anger signal has very important consequences for your overall health and welfare, however when you express anger, your actions trigger others to become defensive and angry too. Blood pressures rises and stress hormones flow. Violence can ensue. You may develop a reputation as a dangerous ‘loose cannon’ that no one wants to be around.

Anything that poses a challenge or a threat to our well-being is a stress. Some stresses get you going and they are good for you – without any stress at all many say our lives would be boring and would probably feel pointless. However, when the stresses undermine both our mental and physical health they are bad. When people feel stressed by something going on around them, their bodies react by releasing chemicals into the blood. These chemicals give people more energy to be angry or stress.

In order to begin managing the negative effects of stress and anger, we need to look at how they affect our lives. Stress can lead to anger and, likewise, anger can lead to stress. Neither is healthy, but we shouldn’t try to eliminate them, instead attempt to control them by learning positive strategies.

Stress can affect both your body and your mind. People under large amounts of stress can become tired, sick, and unable to concentrate or think clearly. Sometimes, they even suffer mental breakdowns. So how can we manage anger and stress?

It’s always a good idea to think before you speak. In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say something you’ll later regret. Once you’re calm, express your anger…. Simply put, cognitive restructuring means changing the way you think. When you’re angry, your thinking can get overly dramatic. When something goes wrong, you might tell yourself, “Everything’s ruined!” With cognitive restructuring, you replace those kinds of thoughts with more reasonable ones. You might tell yourself instead, “This is frustrating, but it’s not the end of the world.”

When you are angry, the LAST thing you need to do is to stay engaged in the situation that is making you mad–all that does is escalate your anger. It is critically important that at this point you do NOT try to deal with the situation that is making you angry. You cannot solve a problem in a fit of anger; it will likely just escalate the situation or create a new layer of problems to deal with. You will need to step away from yourself so that you can calm and collect yourself. Once you’ve calmed down, try to see what really happened. A good way to analyze what happened is to imagine that it happened. Looking at the situation as an outsider might help you see the truth. You might more clearly understand where your anger came from, or you may see that your reaction was way out of proportion. Once you’ve stated the problem, you can then consider options for solving it. You may want to jot down several possible options on paper or talk about options with another family member, friend, or co-worker.

Symptoms of stress can take on many forms. Stress may cause physical complaints, such as tension headaches, back pain, indigestion, or heart palpitations. It may appear as cognitive problems, such as poor concentration and indecisiveness. An emotional symptom of stress includes crying, irritability, and edginess. And stress can also show up as negative behaviors. Coping methods to deal with stress like, turning to food, alcohol or drugs often just turns one set of problems into another that can balloon out of control. It’s better to avoid those unhealthy coping mechanisms from the start, and find good ways to keep your stress under control.

These are some ways to reduce stress and anger:

• When people set goals for themselves, they have a positive sense of commitment, and feel they’re in control.
• These are activities that trigger the relaxation response, a physiological change that can help lower your blood pressure, heart rate, breathing rate, oxygen consumption, and stress hormones. You can achieve this with activities such as meditation, guided imagery, yoga, and deep breathing exercises.
• Lie face down on the floor and begin breathing deeply and slowly, with your hands resting under your face. Do this for five minutes.
• Learn to identify and monitor stressors. Come up with an organized plan for handling stressful situations. Be careful not to overgeneralize negative reactions to things.
• Keep a list of the large and little hassles in your day versus the major stressful events in your life. This helps you focus on the fact that you’re keeping track of and managing those as well as you can.
• Learn to just say, “No” occasionally. It won’t hurt other people’s feelings as much as you think and it is simply a method to be more assertive in your own life, to better help you meet your own needs.
• Exercise releases endorphins that allow feeling happy. Exercise can help you eliminate these feelings and give you the energy to tackle daily tasks.
• Doing one thing at a time will make you feel better and less stressed. No matter if it is at work, in school or in your private life. This will make it easier to focus and to do a job of higher quality right away. Rather than having to go back several times and polish and rearrange to get the result you want.
• If you don’t know something; just ask and don’t try to read the other person’s mind. Reading minds is very hard. Misunderstandings will be plentiful if you try to do it. So communicate instead. You’ll have a lot less unnecessary conflicts, negativity and wasting less of you and the other people’s time.

It can be stressful to talk about sex with your kids.

For many of us, “the talk” went something like this: Mom and/or Dad sat you down at the age of, say, 12, announcing, amid sighs and seat shifting, that it’s time to learn about “the birds and the bees.” The conversation takes about two minutes because everyone’s so uncomfortable. Mom and/or Dad may explain, in briefed unsexy terms, the physical mechanics that happen between two loving adults, and then leave you with an approximate nanosecond for questions, then there is a silence and flows by I think that went well,” Mom and Dad may say to you, each other, or themselves, after another major exhale. The end.

What’s wrong with this picture? All of it It’s no one’s fault, really. We’re left with a centuries-old legacy that has made sex taboo, teen sexuality expert and author of Talk To Me First: Everything You Need to Know to Become Your Kids’ “Go-To” Person About Sex. However, kids who grow up in families where sexuality is openly discussed are not just healthier and happier, but they also postpone participation in a range of risky behaviors including sexual activity, talking with your kids is protective … a buffer against what goes on around them. As someone who had no knowledge about sex growing up and taken advantage of, I feel it’s necessary and important to write this article.

Efforts by public schools to correct misinformation from the street and lack of information from home often leave out a critical ingredient: the moral framework within which the facts about reproduction should be presented. Without an ethical context, sex education becomes little more than basic training in anatomy, physiology, infectious diseases and contraception.

Many churches have made laudable efforts to teach biblical principles of sexuality to their youth groups. But these important concepts are not always accompanied by accurate medical information or refusal skills. Furthermore, youth-group presentations usually begin late in the game during the teen years and rarely involve an on-going dialogue about this subject.

As we know, today’s youth live in a highly wired world, in which media exposure brings an onslaught of sexual subjects, oftentimes presented in superficial and distorted terms. “They’re seeing sex divorced from intimacy” and “from critical thinking, so what are kids actually doing these days?

According to the 2011 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, conducted every two years by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 47 percent of high school students have had sexual intercourse, down from 54 percent in 1991. By their 19th birthday, 7 in 10 Americans have had sex, according to the Guttmacher Institute, a think-tank focused on sexual and reproductive health. We can talk with our youngsters about the strong, pleasurable feelings they might have about people—whether those people are movie stars, famous athletes, or someone down the street. It’s helpful to remind youth that there are many healthy ways to express sexual feelings and that sexual intercourse is only one form of sexual expression. Young people’s reactions often make them want to be close to the other person, to hug or kiss, or to be sexual with her/him. These feelings are enormously important in youth’s development. 

We should affirm our kids’ feelings, with clarity about our family’s values about sexuality and relationships. We can also talk about the possibility that strong feelings can be managed in appropriate ways. The pleasurable aspects of fantasizing about a famous person or of having a real-life relationship are valuable to everyone, and as parents, we play a critical role in helping young people to understand the meaning that these feelings can have for them now and in the future. We need to remember that young people explore their sexuality as part of a process of achieving sexual maturity and that adolescents are capable of expressing their sexuality in healthy, responsible ways.

Everyday life provides lots of opportunities for talking about sexuality. When watching a TV show that shows a young person going through puberty or going out on a date, seeing an ad that prompts thoughts about body acceptance, or running into a pregnant neighbor, we can use that to initiate conversations with our children. These teachable moments occur every day, and can help make the conversation easier and more natural. Teenagers benefit from conversations that identify the differences between love and lust and the self-esteem that comes from responsibly managing these feelings. Part of this conversation is about the positive feeling of intimacy that people can have without sexual intercourse. Getting emotionally close to another person, taking the risk of telling someone our thoughts and feelings with the hope that the feelings will be returned—this can be enormously pleasurable and also frightening. 

Young people need help in understanding this, and they especially need our support through their first dating relationships, even though teens often try at this time to push us away in their attempts to become more independent. This dynamic is developmentally appropriate, and we, as parents, should appreciate the fact that our teens will seem to be paying much more attention to their peers than to us. Nonetheless, we are critically important throughout this process, and we need to continue to be involved in our youngsters’ lives (although we should be less controlling than we were during their puberty). If our parent-child conversations continue to balance messages about responsibility, healthy decision making, and values with messages about the positive and pleasurable aspects of developing relationships, we can continue to have close and caring relationships with our teens—relationships that will support our young people’s healthy sexual development.

• Ages 2 to 3: The right words for private body parts, such as “penis” and “vagina”
• Ages 3 to 4: Where a baby comes from. But they won’t understand all the details of reproduction—so a simple “Mom has a uterus inside her tummy, where you lived until you were big enough to be born” is fine.
• Ages 4 to 5: How a baby is born. Stick with the literal response: “When you were ready to be born, the uterus pushed you out through Mommy’s vagina.”
• Ages 5 to 6: A general idea of how babies are made. (“Mom and Dad made you.”) Or if your child demands more details: “A tiny cell inside Dad called a sperm joined together with a tiny cell inside Mom called an egg.”
• Ages 6 to 7: A basic understanding of intercourse. You can say, “Nature [or God] created male and female bodies to fit together like puzzle pieces. When the penis and the vagina fit together, sperm, like tadpoles, swim through the penis and up to the egg.” Explain what you think about sex and relationships. For instance: “Sex is one of the ways people show love for each other.”
• Ages 8 to 9: That sex is important, which your child has probably picked up from the media and their peers. A child this age can handle a basic explanation on just about any topic, including rape. (“Remember when we talked about sex being part of a loving relationship? Rape is when someone forces another person to have sex, and that’s wrong.”)
• Ages 9 to 11: Which changes happen during puberty. Also be ready to discuss sex-related topics your child sees in the news.
• Age 12: By now, kids are formulating their own values, so check in every so often to provide a better context for the information your child’s getting. But avoid overkill or you’ll be tuned out.

How to reduce stress in your relationships with effective communication skills.

Conflict in a relationship isn’t a problem; however, it can bring people together or tear them apart. Poor communication skill disagreements, and misunderstandings can be a source of anger and distance or a foundation to a stronger relationship and happier future. Poor communication skills have difficulties expressing ideas in a way others cant understand them. In writing, examples include using language that requires clarification or making serious grammatical errors. In speech, a common issue is neglecting the feelings and emotions of the audience. Next time you’re dealing with conflict, keep these tips on effective communication skills in mind and you can create a more positive outcome.

• Respond to Blame with Empathy

When someone comes at you with criticism, it’s easy to feel that they’re wrong and get defensive. While criticism is hard to hear, and often exaggerated or colored by the other person’s emotions, it’s important to listen for the other person’s pain and respond with empathy for their feelings. Also, look for what’s true in what they’re saying; that can be valuable information for you.

• Try To See Their Point of View

In a conflict, most of us primarily want to feel heard and understood. We talk a lot about our point of view to get the other person to see things our way. If we all do this all the time, there’s little focus on the other person’s point of view, and nobody feels understood. Try to really see the other side, and then you can better explain yours. If you don’t ‘get it’, ask more questions until you do. Others will more likely be willing to listen if they feel heard.

• Listen Carefully

People often think they’re listening, but are really thinking about what they’re going to say next when the other person stops talking. Truly effective communication goes both ways. While it might be difficult, try really listening to what your partner is saying. Don’t interrupt. Don’t get defensive. Just hear them and reflect back what they’re saying so they know you’ve heard.

• Stay Focused

Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up past seemingly related conflicts when dealing with current ones. Unfortunately, this often clouds the issue and makes finding mutual understanding and a solution to the current issue less likely, and makes the whole discussion more taxing and even confusing. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. Stay focused on the present, your feelings, understanding one another and finding a solution.

• Admit that you were wrong 

Realize that personal responsibility is strength, not a weakness. Effective communication involves admitting when you’re wrong. If you both share some responsibility in a conflict (which is usually the case), look for and admit to what’s yours. It diffuses the situation, sets a good example, and shows maturity. It also often inspires the other person to respond in kind, leading you both closer to mutual understanding and a solution.

• I know exactly what you are going to say!

People may assume that “There’s no need to let someone else finish talking, you can go ahead and interrupt them as you know what they are going to say,” which is a common thought people have during an argument or even regular conversation. People will become frustrated if you are forever interrupting them, and one outcome will be that they will no longer be willing to share their views and feelings with you. This will lead to one-sided communication. Is this what you really want? As you define yourself in the relationship, you will find your strengths and areas that need improving. A good exercise in community building is to share how you perceive yourself.

• Getting to know each other

Getting to know one another is not a fast process, and the more the relationship progresses, the better you know your partner. It is hard to trust a person and demands a great deal of trust. Many relationships neglect this, assuming that the “other things ” are more important than their relationships. It can be easy to incorporate social activities as part of other activity, but the relationship should also hold purely social gatherings, where the point is to have fun. Share stories of where you grew up, important turning points in your life, people who you admire. Another way is to write up biographies of each other, one partner undusted another and then keeping these in a notebook for future to read and add to. Go out for a weekend retreat and spend time talking and learning about one another.

• Sharing feelings

There can be undercurrents of bad feelings, which don’t get talked about. One technique that can bring this out is to do a feeling day, in which everyone in the relationship expresses how they are feeling.

For this to work some ground rules are needed:

• Only one person speaks at a time.
• No defensive reactions from the other person.
• Start your contribution to the relationship with “I”.

The goals of the feelings time should be written down and placed where both can see them. Some sample goals:

• I am here to learn about my partner and myself.
• I will listen carefully with an open heart to what you have to say about me.
• I will speak for myself only, and speak the truth as I see it.

The way feeling time work is for the relationship to simply state whatever is on their mind. For example, a person might say: ” I’m feeling disappointed because you did not help me work in the garden yesterday.” This helps focus the couple on feelings and also can define some larger issues for discussion. For this kind of sharing to work it is important that the time not be interrupted by defensive answers, but that each person is allowed to speak without interruption. The person speaking has to be free to express feelings without an immediate reaction.

• Active listening

Active listening is a skill, which enhances communication. In active listening you listen carefully, then paraphrase back what you heard, with the goal of supporting and drawing out the feelings of the speaker. When this is done well it validates a persons feelings and encourages him or her to fully communicate. The goal of active listening is to help clarify the feelings and thinking behind the words. When active listening is applied it creates a supportive bond between the speaker and the listener. Because there is no threat of criticism or judgment, the speaker is encouraged to express feelings honestly.

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