How to reduce stress in your relationships with effective communication skills.

Conflict in a relationship isn’t a problem; however, it can bring people together or tear them apart. Poor communication skill disagreements, and misunderstandings can be a source of anger and distance or a foundation to a stronger relationship and happier future. Poor communication skills have difficulties expressing ideas in a way others cant understand them. In writing, examples include using language that requires clarification or making serious grammatical errors. In speech, a common issue is neglecting the feelings and emotions of the audience. Next time you’re dealing with conflict, keep these tips on effective communication skills in mind and you can create a more positive outcome.

• Respond to Blame with Empathy

When someone comes at you with criticism, it’s easy to feel that they’re wrong and get defensive. While criticism is hard to hear, and often exaggerated or colored by the other person’s emotions, it’s important to listen for the other person’s pain and respond with empathy for their feelings. Also, look for what’s true in what they’re saying; that can be valuable information for you.

• Try To See Their Point of View

In a conflict, most of us primarily want to feel heard and understood. We talk a lot about our point of view to get the other person to see things our way. If we all do this all the time, there’s little focus on the other person’s point of view, and nobody feels understood. Try to really see the other side, and then you can better explain yours. If you don’t ‘get it’, ask more questions until you do. Others will more likely be willing to listen if they feel heard.

• Listen Carefully

People often think they’re listening, but are really thinking about what they’re going to say next when the other person stops talking. Truly effective communication goes both ways. While it might be difficult, try really listening to what your partner is saying. Don’t interrupt. Don’t get defensive. Just hear them and reflect back what they’re saying so they know you’ve heard.

• Stay Focused

Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up past seemingly related conflicts when dealing with current ones. Unfortunately, this often clouds the issue and makes finding mutual understanding and a solution to the current issue less likely, and makes the whole discussion more taxing and even confusing. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. Stay focused on the present, your feelings, understanding one another and finding a solution.

• Admit that you were wrong 

Realize that personal responsibility is strength, not a weakness. Effective communication involves admitting when you’re wrong. If you both share some responsibility in a conflict (which is usually the case), look for and admit to what’s yours. It diffuses the situation, sets a good example, and shows maturity. It also often inspires the other person to respond in kind, leading you both closer to mutual understanding and a solution.

• I know exactly what you are going to say!

People may assume that “There’s no need to let someone else finish talking, you can go ahead and interrupt them as you know what they are going to say,” which is a common thought people have during an argument or even regular conversation. People will become frustrated if you are forever interrupting them, and one outcome will be that they will no longer be willing to share their views and feelings with you. This will lead to one-sided communication. Is this what you really want? As you define yourself in the relationship, you will find your strengths and areas that need improving. A good exercise in community building is to share how you perceive yourself.

• Getting to know each other

Getting to know one another is not a fast process, and the more the relationship progresses, the better you know your partner. It is hard to trust a person and demands a great deal of trust. Many relationships neglect this, assuming that the “other things ” are more important than their relationships. It can be easy to incorporate social activities as part of other activity, but the relationship should also hold purely social gatherings, where the point is to have fun. Share stories of where you grew up, important turning points in your life, people who you admire. Another way is to write up biographies of each other, one partner undusted another and then keeping these in a notebook for future to read and add to. Go out for a weekend retreat and spend time talking and learning about one another.

• Sharing feelings

There can be undercurrents of bad feelings, which don’t get talked about. One technique that can bring this out is to do a feeling day, in which everyone in the relationship expresses how they are feeling.

For this to work some ground rules are needed:

• Only one person speaks at a time.
• No defensive reactions from the other person.
• Start your contribution to the relationship with “I”.

The goals of the feelings time should be written down and placed where both can see them. Some sample goals:

• I am here to learn about my partner and myself.
• I will listen carefully with an open heart to what you have to say about me.
• I will speak for myself only, and speak the truth as I see it.

The way feeling time work is for the relationship to simply state whatever is on their mind. For example, a person might say: ” I’m feeling disappointed because you did not help me work in the garden yesterday.” This helps focus the couple on feelings and also can define some larger issues for discussion. For this kind of sharing to work it is important that the time not be interrupted by defensive answers, but that each person is allowed to speak without interruption. The person speaking has to be free to express feelings without an immediate reaction.

• Active listening

Active listening is a skill, which enhances communication. In active listening you listen carefully, then paraphrase back what you heard, with the goal of supporting and drawing out the feelings of the speaker. When this is done well it validates a persons feelings and encourages him or her to fully communicate. The goal of active listening is to help clarify the feelings and thinking behind the words. When active listening is applied it creates a supportive bond between the speaker and the listener. Because there is no threat of criticism or judgment, the speaker is encouraged to express feelings honestly.

SaveSave

5 habits that make you 80% more productive and energized for the New Year!

You can’t always control the circumstances that life throws your way, but you can control how well you take care of yourself. Taking proper care of your body, soul and mind can keep you in optimum shape for handling stress, which gives you as much resilience as possible to help you manage those uncontrollable things in life.

• Make time for yourself

Taking care of your body on the outside with things such as a spa treatment, having quiet time to read a book, watching your favorite show, for example, can work wonders for your internal state. Don’t overlook the importance of pampering yourself on a regular basis, to feel great about yourself and feel ready to take on the world. Having some down time is important, and hobbies can provide a nice distraction from stress and help you stay in the moment, which is also a great way to relieve tension. I recommend drawing, gardening, meditation, exercising, and cooking, as some great stress relievers, but just about anything you enjoy can work.

If you maintain the attitude that stress is a challenge—rather than a threat, you are better able to handle it. And by keeping your mind sharp, you are more equipped to solve the problems and take on the challenges that life presents. It’s very important to read about something positive, or listen to an audio recording of something you enjoy to sharping your mind. Keeping your emotions bottled up usually leads to an emotional explosion later on. It’s very impotent to take time for yourself listen to your feelings, process them and try to understand them. Consider them messengers that tell you when something is not right with your world. A great way to process emotions is the act of journaling. When you write about your feelings, and potential solutions to your problems, you can reduce stress in your life and even see some health benefits!

• Surround yourself with things that make you happy and smile

Studies on social support show that having one or two close and supportive friends is at least as valuable to emotional health as having a large group of friendly or more shallow friendships. However, having social support from several supportive friends would be the best of both worlds. You probably already know if you’re more comfortable with one good friend or many, but there are some good reasons to have at least a few different friends to fall back on: If you have only one person supporting you through difficult times, you may wear that person out, or feel unsupported if that person is unavailable. It’s better for everyone if you have at least a few people to depend on.

You draw different benefits from different types of people. Having an outgoing friend to party with, a knowledgeable friend to gain information and insights from, and an emphatic friend to be a good listener during tough times, for example, provides a better blend of social support than any one of these people alone could give.

• Your friends can bring out different qualities in one another that benefit all of you. For example, your outgoing friend could bring your shy emphatic friend out of her shell, and the three of you could go out and party together. Plus, your friends can introduce you to more friends, giving you a greater pool of pre-screened potential friends.

Studies show that a sense of belonging is extremely important for emotional health and well being those who have social support but don’t feel a sense of belonging are much more likely to suffer from depression. Between work, family and other obligations, stress is a common part of life. But while it’s something we all deal with from time to time, stress can have a negative impact on your health. Worry and overwork can lead to unhealthy lifestyle habits, which causes more stress, leading to a very harmful cycle for example, to emotional eating, where we eat despite not being hungry but eat because it feels comforting. Simple things like put a pitcher of your family or your dog in your office, keep fresh flower around to take care of its very therapeutically lavender flower seem to be very good for stress relief.

• Eat healthier foods

If you are facing a very tight deadline at work, you might make poor choices about what to eat, relying on sugar and caffeine to get you through the day. Unfortunately, these food choices can create more stress in the long run, as well as other problems.

Drinking Too Much Coffee: When burning the candle at both ends, you may find yourself drinking several cups of coffee through the day to keep yourself going.

Eating The Wrong Foods: Due partially to increased levels of Cortisol, the stress hormone, stressed people tend to crave foods high in fat, sugar, and salt. Many will turn to potato chips, ice cream or other junk foods after a rough day.

Skipping Meals: When you are juggling a dozen things at once, eating a healthy meal often drops down in priorities. You might find yourself skipping breakfast because you’re running late or not eating lunch because there’s just too much on your to-do list.

Mindless Munching: Conversely, stress also makes us prone to eating even when we aren’t hungry.

• Benefits of Exercise and Stress Hormones

As we all know our society has become more health-conscious and there has been an increased focus on the importance of exercise. Many people exercise to control weight and get in a better physical condition to become more healthy or physically attractive, but exercise and stress management are also closely linked. Exercise can be an extremely effective stress reliever for several reasons:

When life’s annoyances or frustrating situations build up, you can feel stressed or experience low-grade anger. More high-energy forms of exercise like boxing, martial arts or weight training can also provide an effective release of these negative emotions, turning these otherwise potentially unhealthy emotions into motivation for increased health and well-being.

Exercise can decrease ‘stress hormones’ like Cortisol, and increase endorphins, your body’s ‘feel-good’ chemicals, giving your mood a natural boost.

Physical activity itself can take your mind off of your problems and either redirect it on the activity at hand or get you into zone state exercise usually involves a change of scenery as well, either taking you to a gym, a dojo, a boxing ring, a park, a scenic mountain, a biking trail or a neighborhood sidewalk, all of which can be pleasant low-stress places.

• Why A Power Nap? Facts on Sleep

While small children typically take naps in the afternoon, our culture generally frowns upon mid-day sleep; however, even in those who get enough sleep but particularly in those who don’t many people experience a natural increase in drowsiness in the afternoon, about 8 hours after waking. And research shows that you can make yourself more alert, reduce stress, and improve cognitive functioning with a nap.

Most experts agree that the body needs 7-9 hours of sleep per day, depending on personal and genetic factors.  Some research shows that 6 hours or less triples your risk of a car accident. (Interestingly, too much sleep–more than 9 hours–can actually be harmful for your health; studies show that those who sleep more than 9 hours per day don’t live as long as their 8-hour-sleep counterparts!

Sleep is cumulative; if you lose sleep one day, you feel it the next. If you miss adequate sleep several days in a row, you build up a ‘sleep deficit’, which impairs the following:

• Reaction time
• Judgment
• Vision
• Information processing

If you liked my article about being more productive and energized for the new year please read “Your Thoughts Can lead you to either success or failure“ 

Do women get more stress than men?

It seems like women are generally busier and more stressed than men, that they juggle more roles and are constantly rushing.

Women, according to the APA survey, tend to experience stress in the form of physical symptoms. They are more likely than men to report stress-related health problems such as hypertension, depression, anxiety, and obesity. For women, the stress is more due to a number of reasons. Some of the reasons as compared to a man, for a married woman it is all about managing her house, taking care of her children and trying to keep her marriage healthy and happy. For an unmarried woman, it is all about taking care of her parents, siblings, and the house and also trying to do well on the work front.

Here are some things to do when you get stress.

Exercise

Write. It may help to write about things that are bothering you. ...

Let your feelings out. Talk, laugh, cry, and express anger when you need to. ...

Do something you enjoy. You may feel that you're too busy to do these things. ...Focus on the present.

Create a chill-out routine

Go outside and take a walk

Find a balance between rest and activity

Plan long weekends

www.valerymolone.com